Flashes of Euphoria

There's a rare and intense feeling I get, usually when I'm out in nature, that's a sudden whirlwind of fire and water stirring in my soul. A burning passion and excitement for life and a flood of tranquility where everything feels like its going to be OK. When it happens, I know that I'm exactly where I need to be. It feels like the world has stopped turning just for that one moment in time and everything is clear. It is a moment of complete euphoria.

A moment of euphoria hit me the other morning when I was on a run before work. It was dark when I left the house. I ran the 3 mile loop once blindly and then on the second time around the loop the sun started to rise and expose the most spectacular view of my surroundings; a clear blue sky, a calm ocean and huge snow capped peaks in every direction. It was the first time since I've been on the island that it was clear enough to see all the beauty that was surrounding me. To top it off birds were singing and I saw multiple bald eagles. It couldn't have been a more perfect run.

It was in that moment that I knew that I am exactly where I'm suppose to be. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity to be back in Alaska doing the job I'm doing with some truely amazing people. After a period of fighting internal battles, lonliness and trying to find meaning, I am so grateful to finally be here in this state of peace knowing that I am were I need to be at this stage in my life.

Believe in magic and you will see it

Ball lightning is an unexplained natual phenomina that is described as an act of magic. They are luminous orange and blue, grapefruit sized spheres of lightning that streak across the sky during a thunderstorm. They typically last up to 20 seconds and seem to appear out of nowhere and then vanish into thin air. Ball lightening is rare, unpredictable and infrequent. Few are lucky enough to experience it

I experienced ball lightning. I still find it difficult to believe that it actually happened. It was one of those moments in life that seemed too perfect to ever happen. A moment where I forgot if I was awake or asleep because life felt so much like a dream. No other point in time mattered because no other memory could live up to that moment and no future could possibly exceed it. I have to belive that even though I can't see it right now, it's still there and I will experience it again. Just because something is rare or feels like magic, doesn't mean it doesn't exist or can't occur. It just means you have to believe in it to see it.

"Accept No One's Definition of Your Life; Define Yourself."

I am me, I define myself, and I am the author of my story. My fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears and my emotions are valid and all created by me and define my character. My successes and failures are a result of my choices. My story is mine alone and I write where it goes.

Like most stories, mine contains challenges that have to be overcome and mysteries that I want to solve. Characters move in and out of my life. Some are a part of many chapters and others for a just a sentence or two. They play important roles in my story; some offering tools to help overcome the challenges or solve the mysteries and others creating the conflict or leading to more mysteries.

Then, there are the characters who try to take over the role of the author of my story. They want to create my character and have their own opinion of where my story should go. It can be challenging not to let those opinions dictate what I do, especially if the person is important to me because I don't want to disappoint them, but in the end, if I want to live a happy life, I have to write my own story. I have a better idea of what I want over anyone, no matter how well they know my character and if they really do care about me, they will accept my choices and let me write my story.

There are others who misinterpret my character. They don't understand my story or they are commited to putting a false label on my character. These interpretations have to be taken lightly because if I take them seriously, I start to believe them and my character begins to morph into something that I didn't create. Interpretations are not who I am, just what people believe me to be.

I am me. I define myself. People play an important role in my story, but they're opinions and interpretaions don't define who I am, how I'm suppose to feel or where my story goes. I am the author of my story.

2013 Intention

Jack Kerouac said, "Be in love with your life. Every minute of it." After my fall in September, my arm, my heart, and my spirit were broken. There was very little that I loved about my life. Things changed so rapidly for me. My lifestyle took a complete 180 with no warning. The adventure, the movement, the change, the activity, and the people; all of the things that I loved about my life were stripped from me and replaced by pain of both my body and soul. I had to get creative on how to keep myself occupied and was forced to find a new path to take. It's taken me months to rebuild myself, but finally I have found my new path and light has returned to my soul.

I only get this life once and I want to love it. Since these last few months have been so lacking in love, I want to emphasize love in this next year. I want to love what I'm doing, love the people in my life, love my choices, and most importantly, love myself. By thinking, dreaming and living on that idea, I believe I will attract it and bring more love into my life. 2013 will be the year of love.

Letting Go

Every fall the leaves transform into shades of yellow, orange, and red in one grand finale before taking a bow and twirling slowly to the ground. It is their fate. As the seasons change and winter begins to blow in on the wind, the trees have to let go of the leaves. If they don't, there will be no room for new growth in the spring. It's not that the trees want to lose their leaves, but those leaves have surved their purpose and the trees have faith that by letting go of the things they can no longer support, new and healthy leaves will come back in the spring when the conditions are right and the tree will be stronger and more beautiful than ever.

People change with the seasons. Emotions tied to relationships, goals, activities, challenges, and past events change in accordance to what season it is. When those emotions become painful and confusing they have to be let go of to find peace with in. Letting go doesn't mean that those things don't mean anything anymore, it just means that holding on to something sometimes takes more energy than letting go. The only way to grow is to let go of the painful and confusing and make room for new and positive changes to occur. The things that really mean something will come back in some form or another when the timing is right.
 

If you had the option, would you choose to see the end of your story?

A few weeks ago I was asked the question, “If you had the option, would you choose to see the end of your story?" My immediate response was no, I would rather not know. Knowing the ending would confine me to a single state of living with an out of context view of where my life is going to end up.  I want to live my life in faith that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

After digging into the question a little deeper, I came to the conclusion that I've never been one to read the end of a book first, so why would that be any different for my life. The suspense that occurs in the plot is what keeps me reading a book, not the ending. The story could have the perfect ending; the princess gets the prince, the good guy wins the fight, or the expedition team reaches the summit, but none of that matters if the plot isn’t interesting. If there is no learning, conflict or struggle, the ending has no depth and it’s just an event that occurs.

I get bored with stories about a character where everything just magically happens to them and they never have to challenge themselves; the stories where a girl meets a boy and they live happily ever after or a person walks up Mt. Everest with no training or difficulty or where a millionaire wins the lottery. Those aren’t stories I want to read. The stories that keep me reading are those with conflict; the stories where the main character is faced with challenges and makes some sort of transformation while overcoming those challenges.

The conflicts and challenges I’ve faced haven’t been my favorite parts of my story, but they have given my life more depth and meaning. When I reach the end of my story, whether the ending is tragic or happy, I want the story to mean something and be worth reading. If we choose to accept life’s challenges, we will evolve and our story will be meaningful. It’s like we live our lives in a spectrum of light. Life without challenge only allows for learning and movement in a few colors, but those who are faced with challenges and overcome those challenges move between all of the colors and have a deeper understanding of the spectrum of life. Life's meaning can’t be understood by seeing the ending of the story first, it must be experienced and challenges must be overcome.

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For the wanderers, the dreamers, and the searchers

Adventure fuels the fire in my soul. I thrive off of constant motion and new experiences and I have an uncontrollable urge to wander and to search for life’s ultimate secrets. Every new experience provides an opportunity to discover something new about myself or the mysterious inner workings of how the world works. I live for the search. I have at least a hundred dreams all scribbled down on scraps of paper contained in an old painted jam jar that I take with me where ever I go to remind me of all the things I want to get out of life. I also grab on to any opportunity to experience new things and new places with other searchers. There is always something to be learned from other people who feel that same fire in their soul. My own mind is only capable of formulating one perspective of thoughts and ideas, so having the right people to share an experience with can make it so much more enjoyable and can give it more depth.

I let the wind be my guide. I go whatever direction there is passion or curiosity, whether it’s alone or with others. I’m not committed to a single direction because when I’m not attached to where I want to end up, I’m not limited by my imagination and anything can, and always will, happen. I move quickly. I get what I need out of an experience and then continue the search, finding a new place to explore and new people to learn from and share experiences with.

As much as I thrive off of adventure, making progress in the search is about having experiences and then taking time to reflect on what was learned from those experiences. In the moment of all the action it’s hard to define what you’re learning. The mind is focused on other things. In most circumstances that knowledge is brewing but doesn’t become solid until after the experience has past. To get something more than superficial knowledge from the experience, there has to be some sort of processing time. Sometimes I get so caught up in the adventure side of life I forget to pause and take that time.

When they first occur, I dread the pauses. They’re usually unplanned and hit me like a brick in the face. They knock me to the ground and leave me with the anxiety of getting stuck and I feel unproductive. It takes time before I realize that this period of non-motion is the reflection time I need to gain the most out of life and the experiences I’ve had. It turns out that I learn the most during the pauses. Just because I’m not exploring the world doesn’t mean I’m not exploring something. For me, life is more than just having tons of experiences and sometimes I forget that because the adventures are so exciting. They fuel me, but when I don’t take time to reflect, I feel as though I’m wandering aimlessly and I’m not completely content with that. The experiences need to be significant and not just a check off the list. I need to live life and search for a deeper meaning. The pauses help me do that.

So for the wanderers, the dreamers, and the searchers, let passion and curiosity be your guide. Explore life, keep other searchers close, and juice the pauses. When movement isn’t an option, read, journal, reflect, research and start blowing those embers in all direction until the wind picks up and the fire starts again. The wind will eventually pick up and take you where you need to go. Although the pauses can be the hardest times to settle in to, they are so beneficial. Wandering is the way we discover the world, but getting lost in thought is how we discover ourselves. Both are needed to make progress in the search to understand life. Don’t ever give up the search.