Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

I read once that the hurt of letting a person walk out of your life shouldn't leave a scar or sway you from leaving them, but rather make you realize that if you wanted to be with the wrong person so bad, how beautiful it will be when the right person comes along. Letting the wrong person go is hard. There is so much pain involved and fear of what life will be like when that person is gone, especially if that person has been in your life for a while. We get into a routine and settling for familiar or comfortable is easier than the risk of never finding love again. We stay in relationships with the wrong person and tolerate being treated poorly because we don't want to be alone, we are manipulated into believing no one else will love us, we think we will never feel that way about anyone else, for financial reasons, or we like the image of the relationship. I don't know what real love looks like for everyone, but I can say that real love manifests when there are no selfish feelings involved and when any image of what we want the person to be or what we want to portray to the people around us disappears. Real love doesn't ask whats in it for me. It occurs when manipulation stops and when we think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to us, giving unconditionally because we love the person, not because we want the person to love us. The other person's happiness is just as important as our own. We accept another for their true self and don't twist them to create our own version of the person. We love them for their real image rather that the reflection of ourselves that we find in them. We all deserves real love and it is out there for anyone willing to find it. The pain of leaving the wrong person will be worth it when we find the right person and get a taste of what real love feels like. We just have to find courage to leave an unsatisfactory relationship. There will always be love waiting for us and when we are ready to find it, it will come into our lives. We just have to let the wrong person walk out of our lives to make room for the beauty of the right person.

I am not a Robot

It's easy to go through life on autopilate. When life gets hard, it takes little work to fall into a routine and walk mindlessly through each day. It doesn't take more than a minimal amount of energy to roll out of bed in the morning, go for the daily run on the same route, go to a dead end job that takes no brain power to do, come home and spend time with a significant other that you are settling for, go to bed and then do it all again the next day. This lifestyle is comfortable because it's stagnant and there are no risks. We are guarenteed to succeed because there are no challenges to bring us down. Why try something new when you know you can do the things that you are doing? When we start setting goals, trying new things, and breaking out of the routine, there is a fear of failure or a fear of the unknown. Lately I've been finding myself falling into this routine. My life has been stagnant the past couple of months and I have myself to blame. I have a list of goals about ten goals and I've only started working towards the ones that take the littlest amount of energy and don't diverge far from my normal routine. I look at the list every day and expect that just reading them is going to magically make them happen. Unfortunately that's not how it works. I'm not going to wake up one day without ever practicing and be able to play the mandolin or go out climbing after no training and be able to clean send a 5.11. Goals take work and you have to put energy towards them. I'm usually a very goal driven person. When I set my mind to something, I make it happen, but after the recent Peace Corps disappointment, I got so down that I felt like I wasn't capable of doing anything. I looked at my list of goals and they seemed impossible and like routes to failure and more disappointment. Routine was easier than figuring out how to accomplish my goals. My comfort zone wasn't a happy place to be, but at least there was no disappointment. I settled for the robotic lifestyle until recently I was going for a long bike ride and I realized that the human mind is designed to be in constant change. We are suppose to learn and push the boundaries of our comfort zone to live a completely statisfying life. The times I have been the happiest in my life have been times that I have overcome conflict and accomplished one of my goals. Being a robot was more devistating to my mental health than any sort of failure. Fighting to make our goals happen may be hard at first and there will be challenges. We may even fail, but staying dedicated and pushing forward will pay off with time and changes will start to occur and there will be success. The trick is knowing that failures teach us how to find success. Success is always there, it may just take some extra searching to find. In the words of Confucious, "When it is obvious that the goals can't be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps."

Looking in the mirror and wishing the reflection was different

I wish an entire day would pass where every time I looked in the mirror I would be happy with the reflection staring back at me. Most of the time I almost don't look at that person in the mirror because I don't like what I see. Usually the person staring back at me has chipmunk cheeks, a double chin, thunder thighs, and a pudgy stomach and the person I wish I saw, the cute, tiny girl with the 6-pack abs, is no where in sight. Even more painful than looking in a mirror is getting on a scale. Every time I do it my heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest and I turn purple from holding my breath because I'm so scared of what the numbers are going to read.
It's amazing how much I think about my weight. If I could change anything about myself, the only thing would be my weight. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is look in the mirror and see what the damage from yesterday's food has done to my reflection. I then find an outfit that is least likely to show that I have a stomach. Throughout the day, every time I eat when I'm around someone I get self conscious and I feel like they are judging me. The worst is when I first meet someone and tell them I'm a runner. If they are surprised I automatically assume it's because of the way I look. I'm tired of the negative weight thoughts continuously cycling through my mind. Why can't I be happy with the way I look and why do I feel so much pressure to be stick thin?
I believe that a lot of that pressure comes from a combination of my sensitivity and growing up with and extremely athletic family. Both of my mom's brothers and their wives race in marathons, triathlons, and adventure races. As if just doing the race isn't studly enough, they generally place. My uncles are tall and slim and my aunts are teeny tiny, so it definitely shows how active they are. Before I see them, I always feel extreme pressure to lose a bunch of weight just to gain their acceptance. The only time I felt like I measured up to them at all was after my first season working as a park ranger in Rocky Mountain National Park. After that summer, I was 10 lbs. thinner than I am now. In my 3 1/2 months working in the Rockies I hiked 350 miles on top of running regularly and eating very little. I remember getting off of the plane and my aunts and uncles were actually impressed when they saw me. It felt so good to finally feel like I was one of them.
I also have a lot of pressure coming from my dad. Every time I see him he always makes a comment about my weight, if I'm exercising, or what I've been eating. It hurts when your own father tells you that it looks like you've gained some weight or you are going to get fat because you're not working out. After enough times of hearing it, I can't help but start to believe it.
I've come a long way from a few years ago. I broke the neck of my femur from over training and not enough nutrients (after my summer in the Rockies), which forced me to re-evaluate my exercise and diet habits and come to terms with not being able to exercise for a few months. I am happy with the way I look sometime and I try to find things about myself that I do like. I also try to appreciate all the things that my body does for me. I am healthy and I can run, climb, do yoga, and hike. I just wish the little voice in the back of my head nagging me to be skinnier would disappear forever. One day I'm hoping that I will wake up and never be unhappy about my body again.

Fighting the Inner Battle

"Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We wouldn't be as strong as what we could bave been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets." -Unknown

For the past 18 years my life has had a clear purpose. Every fall since I was four years old, I have packed up a backpack with books, pencils, and paper and spent the following nine months in a classroom taking notes and studying subjects from art and music to science and math in persuit of a college degree. Now that I have that 9x12 piece of cardstock with "Aubrey Nicole Tamietti Bachelor of Science in Biology" printed in bold lettering across the center of the page tucked away in my closet, the question I keep asking myself is what is my new purpose?
I graduated this spring with big plans for adventure and dreams of bringing good to people in need. A week after graduation, I hopped on a plane and spent a month backpacking and sea kayaking in the Alaskan wilderness doing a little soul cleansing before a 27 month assignment teaching science with the Peace Corps in Africa. I was set up to come home from Alaska mid-June, have a few weeks of recovery time, packing and goodbyes and then was schedualed to leave mid-July for Africa. If there is one thing that I have learned in life, it is that you can't always rely on plans. Natural disasters are unpredicatable and uncontrollable and can break down the sturdiest of plans.
My natural disaster came in the form of federal budget cuts. A few days after I got back from Alaska I got an email from the Peace Corps placement desk saying that due to a lack of funding my program had been cut and I wouldn't be able to leave until January of 2012 at the earliest. I had no reinforecement or flexibility in my plan, so when the natural disaster hit I was thrown into a deep, dark hole with no sense of purpose.
Now, I am stuck in this hole trying to find my purpose to shed some light on the way out. It's a lonely place down hear since my Flagstaff friend base has diminished significantly since graduation. People have moved away, are still in school or they have moved on with their lives, so I have found myself alone a lot trying to figure out how to get out of this hole and fighting an inner battle with my emotions. Tears have become my steady companion and will join me unexpectedly during a run, while I'm biking home from work, or even at the grocery store.
Even though the battle is hard and tears aren't my most valued companion, I know that this emotional battle won't last forever and eventually tears will not show up so regularly. I have a firm belief that things happen the way they're suppose to and when the timing is right adventure will come for me. There are obviously still experiences that I need to have here in this hole before I can find my way out. When the day comes when I can climb out of this hole, I will be a stronger person and have learned the lessons I need to help me tackle whatever other natural disasters come at me.

Climbing Longs Peak

For the past two summers I have worked as a park ranger in Rocky Mountain National Park. I had the privilege of living in a house that overlooked the continental divide and I stayed in the room of all rooms. Two of the walls were windows that looked right out over Longs Peak (the only 14er in the park) and every morning I woke up to a gorgeous view of the sun beaming across the peak. It was smiling at me and calling me to come explore. I felt like I would be betraying the mountain if I didn’t summit it, even if getting to the top would be difficult.
The journey started 1:30 am with the sound of my alarm. My friend Julie and I anxiously forced down some cereal, grabbed our packs and headlamps, and headed out the door to make our second attempt up Longs Peak. I looked at the sky, trying to get some sense of whether there were clouds socking in the mountains, but it was too dark to tell. At the end of the previous season we had attempted Longs and were unable to make it past the keyhole (the transition point of trail where it turns from a hike to a scramble) because it began to snow, causing the last two miles to be too dangerous to attempt. We were both hoping that the weather would cooperate and this attempt wouldn’t end with the same disappointment.
It was a little before 3 am when we reached the trail head and began the 8 mile, 4,850 foot elevation gain trek up to the summit. The first 6 miles were hiked completely in the dark. It is a completely different experience just using the light from your headlamp to get up trail. You can’t see your surroundings or what the terrain is like up ahead, so it makes the journey much more exciting. Also, because Longs Peak is such a popular trail (on a typical day in the short window where the peak goes non technical there are around 200 hikers that attempt the peak), you can see all the headlamps in the distance zig- zagging up the mountain. It is an amazing site.
We reached the keyhole right as the sun was peaking up over the horizon. Deep red, orange, and yellow streaked the sky and below us was an amazing view of the terrain we had just hiked through blindly. There were also only a few light wispy clouds in the distance. We were thrilled and began to prep ourselves for the intense scramble up to the summit.
From the keyhole to the summit, the “trail” is split into four sections. The first is the ledges, where, as noted by the name, you are hiking on a ledge. We got through that section with no problems and made our way to the trough, which is sometimes considered to be the most strenuous portion of the trail. There is loose rock and it’s extremely steep, so your legs really have to work. My legs were burning when we reached the top of the trough, but the summer of hiking had been good preparation and it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I was beginning to think that this hike wasn’t as bad as most people portrayed it as. After the trough, we reached the narrows. This section was a little more frightening because the trail narrows down to about three feet wide and there is a drop off on one side. We were lucky that we were ahead of the crowds, because it was fairly easy to pass across without fighting all the people. Finally, we hit the homestretch, the most exposed portion of the trail. Because of the mass amount of use, it has become very slick and to make it even worse, due to recent storms, there was water flowing over the steep rock face making it even more slippery. One wrong hand or foot placement and I could have slipped to my death. I was so lucky to have Julie there for support. My nerves would have got the best of me if she hadn’t been there to encourage me.
After what seemed like an agonizing eternity on the homestretch, we reached the summit at 8 am. We looked around the huge summit and were surprised to find that we were the first ones to get there that morning. What was even better was that were there by ourselves for about five minutes and there was no wind, both being rare because of the mass amounts of people that summit each day and because there is always wind due to the exposure. It was an amazing reward for everything we had gone through to get there.
A few weeks before our incredible summit, I was talking with another park employee about the places we had been in the park. For his job, he frequently rode in a helicopter which would drop him off on various peaks. He bragged about all the mountains tops he’d stood on and at the time, I was jealous that he had been on so many peaks. After reaching the summit of Longs Peak using my own hard work, I realized how much he was missing out on by skipping the journey. Even though he had been on all of those mountains, he had nothing to take away from the experience. Each peak was nothing more than a check mark on his list.
I have discovered that there are two ways to travel through life. You can take the easy route and ride a helicopter to the summit of a mountain or you can take the difficult route where you have to hike, climb, and, at some portion, crawl up the trail. Sometimes you will be clinging on to the rocks for dear life and wonder why you ever took the hard way, but in the end you will have gained an experience and feeling of self worth that you would have not gained other wise. There is no depth to the destination if we don’t make the journey, even if the journey is a hard one. A destination is just a destination without the journey that gets you there. Now when I look at Longs Peak, it’s not just an outline out my window. It is a peak that tested my limits and left a deep imprint on my soul. I know what the stream of headlamps looks like as it floats up the mountain, what the fear of falling to my death on the slippery rock on the homestretch feels like, what the thin, cool air feels like when it enters my lungs while a victory dance on the summit, and what the congratulating arms of a fellow ranger feel like when they’re wrapped around you when you return to the trail head. I have truly lived the experience and I wouldn’t trade the fear or physical strain for anything. The glory wasn’t just about being on the summit. It was about the entire journey starting at 1:30 am, all the way up to the summit and back down to the trail head. The journey created a much more rewarding experience than if I would have taken the easy route and just stood on the peak.

Running Off Trail

Romance and I run differently through life. I run off trail. I leap over downed trees, cross rivers, climb up mountains, and slide down glaciers. I’m never exactly sure where I’ll end up and I love the adventure of it. Romance runs on the sidewalk; the path turns to the right and dating greets you, the path turns left and there lives marriage in a house with a white picket fence, and around the next corner kids run out and block the path. It all sounds so dull. Sidewalks just aren’t my style.
Being off trail does get lonely so occasionally I do run on the sidewalk with romance. Usually it’s unexpected. I’ll be running through the woods and suddenly a sidewalk will appear so I decide to follow it for a little while and eventually romance and I find each other. Sometimes I get scared and run back into the woods because running off trail is far less painful than the cement romance runs on. Other times I’m ready to handle the pain and romance and I run together for a short time, but we always part ways. I love the company, but no matter how lonely I get, I can’t be away from adventure for romance’s uninteresting sidewalk for too long because the cement hurts my knees and there is usually an exciting creature luring me to chase it back into the forest. The problem is that once I run with romance for awhile, it reminds me of how alone I am and how much more meaningful the run is when I have someone to share it with.
Recently, I took a turn and got a glimpse of a sidewalk. I started jogging towards it, but to my surprise, I collided with romance before I even hit the sidewalk. I thought that romance had finally gotten gutsy enough to wander out into the forest, but it turns out that it was just cutting trail to get to someone else’s sidewalk; someone who was a lot more shiny, blond, and witty. Romance used my section of forest and shoved me in to the mud on its way out.
Since I was younger, I’ve been programmed to believe that the “perfect girl” is shiny, blond, skinny, smart, witty, always knows what to say, and runs on sidewalks (growing up in a Mormon town and too many Disney princess movies I guess). Whatever mold that was, I didn’t come from it. I’m an off trail loving granola bar; I like my plain jane style, pounds of makeup make me feel clown-like, sports bras are way more comfortable, and my brown curly hair is easier to deal with in a pony tail. If I could be outside all the time hiking, climbing, and swimming in lakes, I would be happy. I’m also really spacey, I say things that make no sense, and I can be awkward. This is who I am. I’ve tried to be something different, but it just makes me unhappy. The truth is if I have to change to be with romance, then I’d rather be alone. I’m not going to switch to sidewalks or put on an unpractical snazzy outfit just to get romance to chase me into the forest.
I’ve learned that romance isn’t my running shoes. I don’t need it to keep running, but it’s a good companion and it’s nice to have when it’s around. When it does shove me in the mud, I can get up, dust off, and keep running. While skimming through Blue like Jazz (which I often do when I’m looking for some wisdom), I came across a line where Don Miller states that “love is an opposite of loneliness, but not the opposite.” Sometimes we get coaxed into thinking that romance is the only way to deal with loneliness, but it’s not true. Friends, family, and community all provide that companionship that we all crave. They can even be more satisfying because they don’t create the expectations that romance does. The key is not looking for romance to use as running shoes or dragging romance along, but instead running into romance and it wanting to join the run. Be content with yourself and find someone you can share the off trail adventure with.

13 Important Things to Remember throughout Life’s Journey

1.Rumi said, “Out beyond ideas if wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Always take perspective into account. This will lead to more understanding and less argument. Right and wrong is all a matter of perspective. There is more than one path to get to the summit of a mountain, but in the end we all end up in the same place. It’s just a matter of how we choose to get there.
2.Every experience is important. Whether it’s good or bad, it is still meaningful. Everyone goes through hard times and they teach us life lessons and how to truly enjoy the good times. We know more after we’ve been through those dark patches.
3.Humans aren’t machines. Every person has emotion and our attitudes towards others do have an impact. Be a positive contribution to the community pool. People aren’t inanimate objects. We should all make an effort to really see people. Just a smiling at someone can drastically make their day better.
4.Have deep conversations. It enriches life and it is the only way to discover more answers. No one person possesses all the answers to the meaningful questions of life. Every conversation sparks new thoughts and ideas and a greater understanding of the world.
5.Live in the now. Life isn’t about the story. It’s about experiencing the moment as it happens. The past is for reflecting on and learning from. The future is unpredictable and the only way to help steer the future is by living in what’s happening in the moment you’re in.
6.You control your happiness. Emerson states, “Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.” Bad things happen but every person has the power to change the situation or change their perspective about the situation.
7.Accepting emotions you’re feeling and owning up to them is healthy. Happiness isn’t If you’re feeling angry or annoyed or sad
8.According to Don Miller, "Everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing." Change is an important part of life. The world is in a constant state of change. There is no way to stop it, so we have to be willing to change with it or we will be left behind.
9.Write down your goals. They are 40% more likely to happen if you do.
10.“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” -Henry David Thoreau. Follow your dreams, not society. If you want to do something, make it happen. You will be much happier following your dreams than following what society tells you to do.
11.Don’t ever settle. Whether it’s for a person, a job or anything, don’t do it. The things that are priorities are much better than those that are options. In time, the priority will turn up so don’t settle for the option.
12.Choose people you want to have in your life, not need. People flow in and out of you life and if you need someone, it could lead to sadness and disappointment. If all the people in your life are ones that you just want to be there, when they move in and out, it won’t hurt as bad and it will cause you to appreciate those people when they are there.
13.Accept that humans aren’t the only species on the planet and they are not the most important. Just because we’re the only ones capable of dominating the planet doesn’t give us the right to do so. Every species has the right to live and contributes to the well being of the Earth.